I'm now 20 and my life is just getting worse. I'm doing fuck all in the week, well still trying to find work.... Getting rejected on a daily basis. I'm sleepy at 3:45 because I'm that bored.... I can see my whole life now and it's not good.

Shit job because I left college. -- Rubbish house in a shit hole. -- Can't afford to have fun. -- Have kids if I'm unlucky, will have no money for anything. -- Debt due to kids. -- Get into more debt trying to get out of debt. -- Retire with no money so it will be exactly like now. Bored and lonely all day.

Looks good? Might as well just top myself now but I don't have the balls, times like this I wish some random would stab me. I live in the right area to get stabbed lol.

Yes my life could be worse, I could be living on the street or whatever but I can't help feeling like this, going to get a coffee so I won't doze off..... I don't understand why one minute I'm very happy and looking forward to getting a job so I have money to move out, maybe do some evening courses.... The next I want out.... I can't stand living.

I have a job interview tomorrow in the Co-Op, I really hope I get it.... It's round the corner, really is a 3 minute walk away.

This is what I want my life to be like from now

Get job. -- Start a shop online. -- Save for holiday and to move out.-- Move out and go on holiday. -- Save to rent a shop. -- Rent a shop maybe live on top of it. -- Have a nice life with no debt, able to take mini breaks and see the world. -- Retire and be like nan, go on holidays and have fun. --

But I suppose that is asking for too much and I'll have to cope with my life being rubbish


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I hate being here.... My parents don't listen to me, i'm alone all day and i'm skint thanks to Christmas..... There was a mouse in my room last night but i'm not going to say anything because i'll get the blame. Because I have rat food in my room. This isn't my house anymore so it's not my concern. But I still have to live in this shit hole..... If you walk arround with no shooes on you will get splinters, your feet will look like you have been walking outside.... This house is too skanky.

I have looked into the Princes Trust, mabye they wil help me get a shop in St Albans.... That would be cool . But I don't see it happining lol. If it does happen i'll crash and burn and have a debt. Negative? No i'm just realistic lol. But I have to take risks to get anywhere.... If I do fail then iv'e learnt something.... Or i'll be even more bitter and negative. I want to be more positive and to want to be here, but i've always been negative, when someone makes a promise I never get exited or whatever because when a promise is make to me it is always broken.

One day I will be living in a place where I want to be, I will be happy and I won't want to take all my pills at once. Gah..... I don't want to have a job I hate..... I want to be content, I don't want to live in a mansion I want to live in a house I want to live in. All through my childhood I dreamed about being somewhere else, I didn't see the point in getting in in the morning because I thought dreams were more fun than life. I still do now heh....

 

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Iv'e done nothing all day, again.... Can't wait to go back to sleep, when your happy sleeping and depressed with being awake it's proberbly not a good sign. I need to get out of this house..... It will kill me, very tempted to OD today, I don't want to hurt anyone.... But i'm in so much pain it's taking the piss the only thing I mumble now is 'I hate my life'

Living here is making me mental, I want to die now or even better wake up and to be happy and fine with the fact it's not still night time.

I need compony!!! I hate being alone....... The only times when i'm with people is when i'm at my boyfriends house. People think i'm lucky because I don't have to go to work or pay rent but walking arround an empty house crying or screaming isn't fun.

I hate being like this.... It's getting too much I hate life and myself i'm so lonely but no one gives a shit, there too wound up in their own lives. My parent know i'm depressed and how much I just want to die but they don't want to accept the fact their child is not happy, it goes in one ear and out the other. My mum doesn't listen i'm starting to really hate her..... I never want to come back when I move out. Just thinking about comming back here pisses me off.

My parents only talk to me when i'm not speaking to them, idiots.

Whatever, i'll feel the same about like next week and in two months..... I want out now

 

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My mother is eating desert, making more noise than both of the dogs.... That really is my pet hate, people eating loudly and smelly feet. She has both. It's the little things like that which make me hate this house more each day.
I can't be assed to speak to my dad anymore, it's not worth the hassle, and talking to my mother will just make me crazy heh......
I can't wait to see Marcus tomorrow i'll be getting out of this house so thats another good thing. Have to get Dez's prezzie and I have an appointment at the job center. How fun lol
Waiting for another form..... Hopefully someone will call me about a job any day now but I doubt it lol... The only two things I want are the things I can not have, typical.
At least my mother isn't here with her loud breathing, gone to read her book.
Hopefuly i'll be getting some cash next week.... I said hopefully lol it does not mean I will haha
Can't wait to buy pates, mugs, plants and other random things for my flat hehe. Thats whats keeping me sane when i'm sitting in this room, the thought of getting out.

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